Saturday, November 14, 2009

All Men Are Dogs!

This is the statement that a female friend of mine made recently and so devoutly defended, which sparked a debate between the two of us.
My friend, who had a fairly recent breakup, insisted that all guys are “liars and only out for one thing” (sex, of course.) And she specifically called me out and a few of our other friends for being dogs.

However, when I interrogated her about her own past relationships, she admitted that she views guys as simple “cuddy buddies” and just objects to flirt with.
Now, I have been in a relationship with the same girl for seven months and I’m not going to lie and say I’m the perfect gentleman all the time, but in defense of the true gentlemen out there I say to women, “Not ALL men are dogs.”

Even though some social scientists may say that sex is as essential as food, water, and shelter, and biology says the man’s primary function is to spread his seed to reproduce as much as possible, not every man desires a woman for what she has to offer physically.
In writing this, the phrase “nice guys finish last” comes to mind and I feel that this statement holds some truth in many situations, especially in regards to the dating game.
It seems to me that far too often the opportunity to be with one of the nice guys is the one opportunity that many women have the easiest time passing up on.
Now, I know that a lot of guys may get mad at me for admitting this, but women actually have more power than they know.

The reason that so many men do not get their act together and so many relationships fail so easily is because women allow them to carry on with the most ignorant and disrespectful behavior.

As long as there is a woman who finds a man at his worst attractive and acceptable then why should he do any better alone or in a relationship?

I believe you should love someone for who they are and not for whom you want them to be, but I also believe that people should know what they desire in a romantic partner and not settle for less.

I have quite a few female friends who have constantly been through relationships that failed because their man was unfaithful, immature, disrespectful or abusive, but I also have male friends who have had the same problems with women in the past.
Going back to my example with my friend who prompted me to speak on this issue, apparently women also view men as “cuddy buddies.”

So if women have the same tendency to view men as objects used just for physical intimacy, then why should the man be the only one labeled as a dog?

I don’t know if people put themselves in bad relationships due to self-esteem issues or boredom with everyday life or whatever their case may be, but I believe there is a true man out there for every heartbroken, lovesick woman who can cure her of the false idea that all men are the same.
My point here to both the ladies and the gentlemen is that chivalry is not dead and people just happen to make the mistake of looking for love in the wrong places.

But for the women who do decide to spend their time and efforts chasing a dog instead of a man, I just hope that you train him well.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Right to Privacy in a Relationship - Oh Really?

The other day, I was asking my girlfriend about her New Year's resolutions. She jokingly said that they were private and she would not share them. I didn't realize it was a joke and said, "Okay, that's fine. I understand." She let me know that it was a joke and I was silly for thinking that she was serious. However,I readily accepted that sometimes people have reasons for keeping things to themselves, even if they're in a relationship.That brings me to you, peanut gallery.

Okay, sidetrack for a moment, let's all agree that Howdy Doody is dead and gone and anyone under 50 didn't grow up with him so we can officially stop using the term "peanut gallery." Back to our story.I have come into conflict on several occasions with more than one girlfriend on the limits of privacy. There seem to be roughly two lines of argument, with possible variations on each line. First, there is the argument that more than one girlfriend has made that basically says, "Two people come together, they give up virtually all realistic rights to privacy." Sure, they can have privacy when they need to read or sleep or whatever, but any secrets including bank account numbers, current conversations you're having with friends, computer passwords, email passwords, plans you might be making for the coming week, closed and opened snailmail etc. are all expected to be shared. The sentiment here seems to be that there should be nothing worth hiding from one's partner, and if there is, then something is wrong. This idea is on a continuum.

While my current girlfriend sort of holds this view, she is on a much softer end of the spectrum about it, being a little annoyed at parts of the argument I don't buy into, but not going psycho and trying to hack into my stuff constantly. The other line of argument is more in line with what I think which can be roughly stated: People have a right to moderate levels of privacy, regardless of the relationships they're in for a variety of reasons. While a certain level of privacy is acknowledged to be given up at the beginning of a relationship, with more privacy given up as the relationship continues, there are still, and should always be, if so desired, personal privacies that one can maintain, with the understanding that trust negates any need for worry. In addition, while a deep level of secrecy certainly could point to a problem between the couple, having certain privacies need not be construed as a statement about the richness/trustworthiness of the relationship.

For me, for instance, I don't go over all the conversations I might have in a given day, with my girlfriend because I a) don't see them all as that important and b) I can't remember them all and c) even if I can remember them, I'm not sure they're worth the effort of explaining things in a way that makes sense, which is often much harder than one might realize.There are a myriad of other reasons about a myriad of other things, that I'm not hiding, I just don't want to talk about for whatever reasons. Past that, I do believe there are things that one has a right to deal with in one's own time and, regardless of love and affection, are not necessarllly the purview of the partner. So, I believe that one has a right to keeping one's passwords private, of asking before opening mail, of being squeamish when somebody asks me for my bank card; one has the right to keep one's inner sphere a certain level of private for all eternity. I feel that's a good thing. I do try to understand the other side and it does make sense in some ways, but so does the other side (and obviously moreso for me). Of course, laying out these things early in the relationship and compromising would usually be a lot more helpful, but sometimes that's not as foreseeable or as possible as one would like.

Oh well.With that in mind, I ask you, good public, for your views. What do you think of privacy rights in relationships? What are the limits? Who sets those limits? Is there a public standard we can share on this matter, a rule of thumb if you will? Any help would be greatly appreciated.